KeithHofer.com
Keith's Noteable - Quoteables
with a bent towards Keith's way of thinking
ie: I get to pick the ones I want.
 
 

when you think at the speed of light it is easy to misspell a word every now and then

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero

God Bless My 'Puter

Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head
God bless my mom and my dad
and bless my children
and take care of my spouse
Who brings me so much joy...

God, there is one more thing
I wish that you would do
if you don't mind my asking
to bless my 'puter, too.

Now I know that it's not normal
to bless a small machine
but listen just a second
And I'll try to explain...

You see, that little metal box
holds more than odds and ends
Inside those small components
Rest a hundred loving friends.

Some it's true I've never seen
And most I've never met
never shaken hands or
Ever truly hugged, and yet...
I know for sure they love me
by the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
is how I get to where they live.

By faith is how I know them,
Much the same as I know You.
I share in life it brings them.

So if it's ok with you...
Just take an extra minute
from you duties up above...
to bless this hunk of steel
that's filled with so much love.

So, God bless my 'puter.
I thank you from my heart.
I hope my computer and I
Will never have to part.

Like New York Times Chairman Arthur Sulzberger said, "I like to keep an open mind, but not so open my brains fall out."

Replace SPAM with Avocado and you've got a nice sandwich.

 
 

A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.

To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

    The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
    The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

Words of Wisdom

  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  • I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  • I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
  • My Reality Check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  • You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

The only thing more frightening than a programmer with a
screwdriver or a hardware engineer with a program is a
user with a pair of wire cutters and the root password.

-Elizabeth Zwicky
Oxymoron:

Internet regulation

I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. - The Wizard of Oz

Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.

 

predictions about computers

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.

-- Kenneth Olsen, president and founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1947

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 39 tons, computers in the future may have only 1000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 ton.
-- Popular Mechanics, 1949.
(Incidentally, the author of the Popular Mechanics article might have been surprised to find that in less than fifty years, "calculators" might have the equivalent of more than 10,000,000 vacuum tubes and fit into a coat pocket!)

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.
-- John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)

 

predictions about railways

"That any general system on conveying passengers would go at a velocity exceeding ten miles an hour is extremely improbable" (Thomas Tredgold, 1835)

"Railways can be of no advantage to rural areas, since agricultural products are too heavy or too voluminous to be transported by them" (F.-J.-B. Noel, 1842)

 

And these about military uses of aircraft

"Another popular fallacy is to suppose that flying machines could be used to drop dynamite on an enemy in time of war" (William H. Pickering, 1908)

"Aeroplanes are interesting toys, but of no military value" (Marshal Foch, 1911)

 
 

My fisherman's prayer: "Lord, let me die peacefully in my sleep dreaming about fishing like grandpa, and not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

Why is it called the tourist season if you can't shoot at them?

THE HAIKU OF COMPUTING
(Poetic Justice)
IMAGINE IF YOUR COMPUTER
PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU...

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

"To know and not to do, is in fact not to know."
Maya Angelou

 

Maxims for the Computer Age

  • Home is where you hang your @.
  • The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • Great groups from little icons grow.
  • Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  • C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  • Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  • The modem is the message.
  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  • The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • A chat has nine lives.
  • Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • What boots up must come down.
  • Windows will never cease.
  • In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  • Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • Modulation in all things.
  • A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  • There's no place like http://www.home.com
  • Know what to expect before you connect.
  • Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  • Speed thrills.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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